I don't even know. (composed Monday, April 25th)

I missed last week.  Squares.  I had no ideas.

Today, however, I feel like blogging.  This week is Lines.  I will get to that.
First I feel the need to express:
The Nashville Predators - 2nd Round Playoffs. 
Those words are seldom seen in the same sentence without some kind of negative separation.  This is a joining of those two beautiful things.  Today feels like a whole new world. 
Truly, I understadn some things today I have not fully understood before:

• Walking on Clouds
• Feeling 10 feet tall
• Spirit Uplifted
• Feeling Light and Sassy

I am married and I have a baby. I was baptized and born again in Christ.  I graduated from high school and college and I won an 8 day cruise on the radio.  This is so different!
When things that are very important happen to you - you have time to prepare.  You have time to get to understand what is about to occur and appreciate the building up of excitement and anticipation.  When you have seven years of built up anticipation that continually ends in disappointment - that one second when the switch is flipped - it changes everything.   In my life I don't believe that I have ever had that switch flipped on something positive.  I feel like the seconds when things change drastically have all been very bad news.   Not yesterday.  With the help and support of dear friends who babysat and new friends who cheered along with us in the bar we experienced real hope fulfilled.  Tears streamed down my face and screams could not be contained!  It happened.  And it was good. 

What experiences have you had lately that overwhelmed you with happiness?

Stripes

Fruit stripe gum.  Show your stripes.  The White Stripes.

I can't get beyond that.   Sorry.

What I can tell you is that I live in a world where it is ok to be me and I am so so so so very grateful!  Seriously!  I have this whole community around me that I take so much joy in and you should look around and see joy too.

It is there.  There is more to be happy about in my life now than ever before and I want you all to know I am working hard to focus on it!    I hope you will help! 

What makes you happy?  What can you turn to and focus on to be reminded of the Joy all around us?  

Hooping For Hope (Circles 2)

Hey!  If you know me, you know I have completed exactly 1 half marathon and I am well on my way to the second!  Many, many people complete half marathons - running, walking, rolling.  We are special.  We are Hooping For Hope!  You can learn more here.

The basics: we are raising awareness and money to support free fitness classes for breast cancer survivors!   Oh YEAH! 

So, I need your help!  What can you do?

1. Come and see me hoop and CHEER loud and maybe bring a sign! 
2. HONK!  when you see us training - even if you don't see me!  It is hard work! 
3. MOST IMPORTANT!!  Donate!  It is all about raising money to support those survivors!  

So, CLICK and GIVE and have a great day! 

Don't forget the sign!  :) 

Circles

Origin of Fun by Lisa Stephens

I have many circles.   Many of my circles overlap.
Worlds collide.  It makes many people uncomfortable, but I don't mind it.  I like to know people who know my people.

My people are so hilarious and wonderful.  I have been struck this week by how much I care about them.  I have been feeling yucky - I slept through an entire day yesterday.  And so I missed connecting with my peeps.  I felt sad but mostly just sleepy. 

I'm feeling better today though!  And I am glad my circles are many and that they overlap.  And I am glad to have this blog to share about and with my people.

Did you hear me on How to Do Everything!?!  I was on their podcast (episode 8) teaching them how to be really nervous and how to be terrible at NCAA tournament brackets.    Check it out!

Bubbled over

I watched a really cool Pixar tribute video today - 25 years of awesome.
Those kids just know how to do, you know?

Anyways, it got me thinking.   I get sad.  I get sad when I think about this:
Now Woody, he's been my pal for as long as I can remember. He's brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special, is he'll never give up on you... ever. He'll be there for you, no matter what.

And this:
I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.

And this:
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?


And what it ends up being is a lot of sadness around happy memories.  Happiness that is sad because it's only half...  Like this:

Who is your Be-Fri?  Have you lost your Be-Fri? 
What quotes make you feel sadness because of their happy memories?

Reading: Love Wins

Recently Watched: Scott Pilgrim v.s. the World

Freegal Download this week: Adele - 21
Happy Birthday: Long Lost Be-Fri

Bubbles

what bubbles up in me today is anger...  

Why?
I don't know but I am pretty sure it is self-inflicted.  Isn't it always?

The whole thing is about me.  Just wrapped up a fund raiser, ramping up asks for the next one (check back this week - it is EPIC), and when that is done I have four weeks until the next one...  WHY!?!  What is the point of my committing to a million things all the time?

THEN. 
then.
There are mommy & me music and mommy & me yoga and Moms at the Park and wearethebestmomseverbecausewedontworkandweareskinnyandvegananddonthavebeerbellies groups...

Kill my brain.  For real.   I can not go to mommy and me music class at 10 a.m. on Wednesday.  I ride the bus.  My son is on a schedule developed by his angelic caregivers to provide consistency.  I am a one man circus from 8 a.m. - 5 p.m. Monday - Friday (sometimes 6 a.m. - 9 p.m., with an occaisional Saturday thrown in for fun!)   I keep the ball rolling and make it look easy (It is what I do!).  I get to where I hate it on a semi-monthly basis, but really, I love my job.

Over-commitment. Mom guilt. Exhaustion. Complaining. It makes me angry!  

My son loves bubbles. 
Bubbles is the word of the week.  Maybe I can work it out and get to a place where "bubbles" will spark something positive for me to write, but you know what?  Today, I will own it.  I am angry... at me.

Food (but not really)

This week's topic is food and I am choosing to blog only once because I don't have a  lot to say around this subject.   I feel like food and I have a love/hate relationship.  The fact is, Americans in general are terrible eaters and we are making ourselves more and more unhealthy every day, but boy are we enjoying it...    That is how it is.  

I think what is more important is that it is world water week.  I think we need to talk about the fact that 1 in 8 people do not have clean water.  WHAT!?!  yeah - that is right - 1 in 8.
So stop reading this blog and check out one or all of the sites below:

Living Water International

blood:water mission

20 Liters

waiting

it's worth it.

typically.

I mean really.  Waiting is really almost always worth it.

It makes the end product way more valuable.  I can promise - space mountain after standing in line for a bit is definitely more fun than space mountain with no line at all.  Of course, the best is space mountain with the one with the lights on... 

I have a lot of experience waiting.  Please trust me.  It's worth the wait.  Usually. 

What did you wait for that was worth it? 

we all have to do it

but it is pretty much agreed - we all hate it!

You know what though, sometimes its nice to have to stop for a few.  Like at the mall.  Or in the city - just be where you are for a second.  Waiting.  Or just enjoying the place that you are or the time that you have.  

I will say though - there are some times when it just sucks.  Like when you are done being pregnant.  Or your friends are far away.  Or you have a big vacation coming up... 

That is why its good to have a go to song:

Kindness 2

When I think about kindness it's usually such a trivial idea.  It doesn't really mean anything to anyone. The way I heard it the most of my life was as a part of the phrase - "kill them with kindness."   That works and is a good idea, but why can't we just be kind.  I say it a lot to people - be nice.  Same idea.

 What the duck, Jerry?

So the thing is - I can define this word best with people.  Like I did yesterday, like I do every day.  I love people and I like using them as adjectives...  

Kindness is chosen family.  

Happy Birthday, Brother

 Kindness is commitment to a shared goal. 

my child's other parents

I am thankfully surrounded by kindness.  Where is kindness in your life?  Who is kind to you?  What does kindness look like?  (I know I asked yesterday, but no one has answered...) 

Kindness - Catching up!

oops.  I missed a week. 
It was bound to happen.   Life is happening all around us all the time... 

I will start with kindness today and see if this turns out to be the week that I catch up. No promises.

Kindness for me looks like this:

This is my aunt, uncle, her children and my son on the day of his dedication. They were some of our very few family members who were able to make it.  That woman their in the middle - not holding the baby - she is an angel.   She is my half sister's adopted mother.  She is one of the kindest and most generous people I know.  They are a wonderful family and I am so happy that when they adopted my lil sister, they also adopted me and my boys.  They look after us and invite us for holidays since neither of us have parents here in town.  And the love and kindness flow...  its unbelievable. 

She's a nurse and the older of two sisters and five brothers.  Seven kids.  She rules the roost.  She makes it work as best it can in its current state...  She is kindness and determination embodied.  

She gave my sister the one thing no one else could - a mother.  That is the most kind thing I can think of.

More kind people are just around the corner...
Who do you think is kind?  What does kindness look like to you? 

It never happens that way...

I wanted to write several posts on this week's word: Music.  I was so excited about it.  I wanted to talk about all the things music does for us, all the people I know who are so good a making music, about how it defines my city - I had all these things planned.  

But it never happens the way we think it will.  Life is a magical journey with twists and turns and surprises and falls and climbs.  This past Sunday my grandfather passed away.  We were not close.  He has been very ill for a very long time.  It was not so sad that he was gone because I like to believe that the afterlife makes us complete people again.  It was sad to see those I love grieving.  It was sad that I won't have the chance to hear him tell stories of his life again.

The thing that makes it most sad was that I had to watch my father grieve alone.  He alienated his entire family from himself.  He created a world of misery around himself and then he had to suffer.  The worst part was that when I thought about not letting his mistakes stand between us I remembered that the second I got near him he would absolve himself in his mind.   He is the victim.  He believes he has been hurt by us and pushed away from us out of our own desire. 

Now he will know what it is really like to live without a father.  To feel like there is something missing. Something I have lived with my whole life.  And the sad part is, it wont matter.  That is what addiction does to you. 

So I am praying for all those out there who have fathers or are fathers - to take the time to appreciate one another and if at all possible, make peace.   I am so fortunate to have been able to look at my father this week without anger.  Forgiveness is the first step in our own healing and overcoming and I highly recommend it.  Forgiveness doesn't mean allowing a hurtful person back in, but it lets you recognize their damages and faults and see them through His eyes.

And now for some music...

Green

When I was in the eighth grade my boyfriend loaned me two albums from his favorite band: Automatic for the People and Green.  I was a different person from that day forward.  For the duration of our two month relationship we spent every night on the phone listening to these amazing albums and all other REM albums and gushing.  That is the only way to describe it. 

I can't not gush when you mention REM.  My intials are - not lying - REM.  I didn't marry my husband because of that (I married him because he can see the top of the refrigerator) but it was a huge bonus. 

There are four men of such genius that exist in our world that give me hope beyond hope that art will never stop being revolutionary and brilliant.  Three of those men make up REM (Bill - quitters never win!  I miss you)  and the fourth is Adam Duritz.  Adam will someday have his own post...  

The thing about REM is that they are my favorite band.  I LOVE the Beatles.  I LOVE Counting Crows.  I LOVE a lot of bands, but the real truth is that REM inspires creativity and hope for me that other bands cant.  I wallow in other bands.  I get emotional when I hear 1979 because of its relevance in my life.  I cannot listen to Anna Begins without shouting along the most painful parts and feeling the pleading in my soul.  But I just emote with it.  World Leader Pretend makes me question reality.  Nightswimming (the song I walked down the aisle to) reminds me that life is short and I have to go and be.  I am motivated to live my life to the fullest and seek out challenges and reach for my potential by REM.  

It seems totally crazy, but I told you - gushing.  

Listen to Green.  What do you think?  What bands make you gush?

Red 2 or How I Roll

I am a huge fan of ONE and I am in LOVE with (RED) and I have recently joined the fight to save public broadcasting.  I think the internet is inc(red)ible for many, many reasons, but the ability to join folks across the world to fight aids, hunger, poverty and injustice just blows my mind... 

For me, it started with feeding people while expanding my vocabulary over at www.FreeRice.com.  Then I moved to Nashville and a friend introduced me to his new online community - www.coolpeoplecare.org.  That was the end.  I was sold on the connection and impact that the internet brings.  I love my friends and work hard for my community IRL too, but the world gets more connected everyday.  I am in awe.  I love being able to do for others with a click and having the opportunity to use  my voice to be supportive of people I never would have known.  For instance, Star Wars Katie!


So when I start to feel like no one understands, I can look to the awesome Mom Blog world for support!  And when I feel like I don't matter, I remember my purpose is connected to everyone on Earth via this cute little laptop!
 
How are you making a difference and connecting to the world via the web?

Red.

My second favorite flavor of vitamin water zero is Red. XXX

My glasses are red. 

Approximately 8% of my hair is Red.

My favorite color is black.  Second is hot pink. 

I detest the little red flags in my inbox. So very much dislike. 

My living room had no red - not necessary in the calm, cool relaxing space...  Now everything comes in a primary color (or all three) because it all now belongs to the monster.  Red is everywhere.

The monster loves RED.

3 of My bedroom walls are chili pepper red - it was supposed to be a part of the theme - red velvet ropes and big blocks of black and hollywood...  but it just never got there.  Will it? 
The nursery was all finished on time.  The living room paint was supposed to start 14 months ago...  The downstairs bathroom is still sickly greybluegross.  

I do not feel good about the bedroom getting done.  Ever.  Because there is also the kitchen...  I used to think I didn't like change - people used to tell me that all the time.  But then I finally lived somewhere more than 4 years.  I am ready for a change. (of paint.)  

Blue - I am the Champion!

I am not blue.

It might have been mind over matter...

Or it might have been that I really had nothing to be blue about in the first place...

The truth is I have an excellent life surrounded by excellent (not to mention HILARIOUS) friends and family members - IRL and out on the webs (I'm looking at you Dawn and Jenny).   And moms all around me to bang me in the noggin' when I get all down about my son's diaper rash and lack of teeth - because only moms know that you can feel guilty for how many teeth your kid has -like you have some control over it...  So I keep chuggin' along thinking about what a great day this past Saturday was thanks to my husband and bestie and free pancakes. 

And I will keep reminding myself that I am the champion and I will conquer baby eczema or at least I wont let it conquer me!

A Prayer for Today (and every day)

On the First Sunday of Advent, Rob Bell led the people of Mars Hill Bible Church in the following prayer:
God, we ask you to meet us in this season in new ways.  We want to practice the discipline of anticipation.  We ask for great wisdom in discerning the ways in which we have lost the ability to be filled with wonder and awe.  We asked to be wide-eyed.  We ask to be surprised.
 
For the ways in which we have lost even the energy to expect, we ask to be given fresh energies, fresh capacities.  To assume that extraordinary things are unfolding right here in our midst. There is a divine mystery that enfolds and surrounds us, that embraces us, that reminds us that we are loved, that we only have this moment and this moment is good. 

Please open us where we are closed, melt us where we are cold and release us where we have become captive.  In the name of the Jesus whose birth we anticipate.  Who comes, and forgives, and releases, and restores and redeems, and renews - in His name we pray all this." 

 AMEN!

Yellow

I love this big yellow dog. 
But he makes me feel a kind of pain that is just unreal.  The pain of loss is just all around me today.   A friend lost her 20 year old daughter to cancer.  Hearing a husband tell of losing his wife to breast cancer.  The loss of hope.  The loss of love.  The loss of time and of memories.  The loss of jobs.  The loss of connection. 

Losing makes us hurt.  It is the kind of pain that lasts.  But we must savor the moments and hold onto the joy that will help us ride out these losses.  I am seeking that joy and savoring the moments - I am trying.  

Please join me in remembering that pain is temporary and it serves a purpose.  It may make you feel alone, but we have all lost something and we have all lost at something.  God will strengthen us all through our loss.  He will turn sorrow to joy and suffering to peace if you let Him. 

Sweet 2

Sweet!

Dude.  Like totally!

If only I could ride the EAC - oh what a day to just let it go and ride the waves...

I had lunch today with a male friend and I found it so sweet to hear him express his concern for a generation of men who are seemingly not able to connect to one another and develop healthy and meaningful relationships.  Today I am praying for all the sweet boys (men) around me who need to be connected and encouraged. 

Project We: Sweet

I can only think of one thing when I hear the word sweet:

 Oh wait - also this:

Oh, that reminds me of something else sweet:

Yeah - I like sweet things...  like them lots.   :) 

Winter: Impending DOOM

Today I am struck by the hilarity of my county's crazy "bad weather predicted - shut everything down" mentality.  But isn't that how we operate?

Weather is only one element of surprise life offers - and yet, if we think that we are going to end up on the wrong side of the coin what do we do?? 

SHUT IT DOWN!

I am the worst.  I hate thinking things aren't going to go my way.  I think part of my resolution this year should be to SHUT UP and take it some times.  I know for a fact that Gordon would call me "Stupid Cow" and send me packing for a bad attitude the minute I started trying to run the kitchen MY WAY. 

Perfectionist doesn't begin to describe it.  And not just for me - for you too.  For us all.  But I have to stop feeling like the one in charge.

I don't need to focus so much on others but on my own reactions.  And let something go.  Let more go.  Let it all go...  Just let some stuff slide.

No more Less whining and panic attacks - More love, grace, peace and mercy.  And delicious risotto! 

Project We: Winter

cover art for Winter (Jon Foreman EP - No I am not a fan)

Gary Chapman's 4 Seasons of Marriage clearly states "Winter means difficulty."

Marriage is hard.  It is painful, trying, terrifying, lonely, and yes - difficult.  For a season.  Like everything else, it would not be appealing to us if it was easy all the time.   But just like our lives, our years, our world, everything has a season and seasons change.   My prayer is that I live through winter and make it to Spring ("a time of new beginnings, new patterns of life, new ways of listening, and new ways of loving" - Chapman) or better yet that I can make it Spring today. 

Smile 2

"it doesn't take much
the slightest disruption can extinguish peace when the candle  is on its own. 

Our peace is like that flame.  And god's covenant and promise of peace is is the lantern.   He has prepared a lantern for us. 

His promise is that when you choose to accept the gift and step into the covenant - your peace is preserved and protected." 

- Shane Hipps, Teaching Pastor
   Mars Hill Bible Church

It makes me smile when I am struggling and the answer is revealed.  I'm four month behind on this podcast that I truly love, but it is all for His purpose.   I needed to hear this today - not a day earlier. 

Remember how hard acceptance is and reach out to it every day so that your peace and joy are safe.

Project We: Smile

If you are constantly surrounded by the harsh realities of the world and all the sadness and anger and mean things people say about one another it takes more work to discover things to smile about.  Especially if cute kitties videos and pet photos tagged with misspelled phrases don't do it for you...   We're back to joy.  

Joy makes it easy.  Get the joy, get the smile.  And smiles, like joy, are contagious.

Reading: Acts 4, You'll Lose the Baby Weight: (And Other Lies about Pregnancy and Childbirth), The Pillowman

Recently Watched: Hotel Babylon Series 1

Freegal Download this week: Street Corner Symphony
Happy Birthday: Debra! miss her...

It's a new year and some things are going to be different.

the view from the top of the mountain

I can't approach the idea of "a new year" without sarcasm because in the end I am still me.  I am me the same as I was eight days ago.  Nothing about how I feel or who I am has changed.  Same for all of us.  Things happen to us, decisions are made that shape us, but we are all put here together to build relationships and create.  That is pretty much it.  Love one another and give glory.  The end.

I am working on it.  So, not a new mission, but a clearer one.  Just love.  Shed the human need to knock the corners off and shine the light.  And just love. 

Project We - New (and An Introduction)

All things new.

Borrowed from a Hero: Austin Madison

NEW:

I have regrets since discovering Cartoon Brew (again thanks to Austin). I now know that if life was mine to do over again I would fight to make it to Cal Arts.  I would do the hard work of overcoming my own self-doubt and do what I really, really wanted. It is new to me to admit that the dream life I have lived so far wasn't really the dream I started out with.  

The Project We sounds interesting to me because it lets me explore what I am thinking and share it with folks who might help me take my creativity and thinking to a new level.   This post might be a cop out because the answer to what is new is easily answered with my very first post.  This blog.   But I also tried to answer the question with a really true new part of who I am. 

It seems like a joke.  If you ask anyone I know what dream I've given up on they'd tell you straight away its stage/production management/design.  The truth is I am still pursuing those dreams.  What I really gave up on - what I really let go of - what is really, really gone without a hope of recovering is too painful to describe and was out of my reach.  So I believed.  I hope I can be the kind of person to inspire others to never let go of that one - that one that seems out of reach.  That one that is gone for me.   I'm glad to have discovered Austin's blog and the Cartoon Brew world so I can connect again with something so wonderful, but it also changes who I am.  It reveals to me and now to you (maybe) why I get behind everyone so hard and push and push towards the seemingly unattainable...  

Also new:

baby boy.

bible study with real insights.

job responsibilities.

a need for focus.

a bad habit of oversleeping.

a re-realization that I have it made - pretty much.

Reading: Acts 1, You'll Lose the Baby Weight: (And Other Lies about Pregnancy and Childbirth)

Recently Watched: The Fantastic Mr. Fox 

Freegal Download this week: Foo Fighters - Skin and Bones
Happy Birthday: Brady Beard (so appropriate)